ICM Chapter 145

Faint moonlight filtered through the dark gray clouds. The clouds that had been gradually changing shape were pushed away from their place and flowed into the darkness, replaced by dim light.

The faint moonlight was like a lantern submerged in hazy fog. The thin light, like brushstrokes drawn on ink paper, seemed both to be fading away and just beginning to take shape.

It was a new moon.

“Hh…”

Her limbs, heavy as waterlogged cotton, wouldn’t move as she wished. Even the soft touch of the blanket and the warm body temperature enveloping her felt distant.

“…shika…”

It was an echo heard from far away, as if a curtain had been drawn.

“…Ashika.”

Urgent hands brushed around her face and neck, insisting. Wake up. Wake up quickly.

“Ashika!”

“Gasp.”

Eyes blacker than the night sky startled and looked around in alarm.

“It’s okay. Ashika, it’s okay.”

Large hands carefully caressed her sweat-soaked face. Familiar voices continuously soothed her as they brushed back her disheveled hair.

It’s okay, you’re not alone. All the nightmares you see are just dreams.

Her heart, which had been pounding violently, gradually calmed down. Her rapid breathing settled, and only then could she see the person in front of her.

“Drushia…”

His golden hair, tousled from sleep, seemed to glow alone in the darkness. It was due to the faint moonlight streaming in from the window.

“Did you have a nightmare?”

“A nightmare?”

Was that a nightmare?

Ashika looked out the window with a vacant gaze. In the middle of the pitch-black darkness, exactly like in her dream, a faint moon was shining.

“Ashika?”

“…There were children.”

“Children?”

Drushia furrowed his brow and looked down at her with worried eyes.

“Children about this big.”

Ashika spread her hands to draw a size that would fit snugly in her arms.

“They were so small and beautiful…”

Tears flowed without her knowing. Her chest ached so much that she could barely breathe, unable to exhale. Drushia wrapped his arms around her shoulders and patted her back.

“It’s a dream. It’s all just a dream.”

Unable to control her emotions, Ashika sobbed. She had no way to describe what she had seen.

“You’re having a hard time. You’ve been pushing yourself too hard.”

Ashika had internally suppressed the shock she received from the accident scene. She couldn’t afford to lose her mind when Weive was already half out of his.

However, there were emotions that couldn’t be suppressed no matter how hard she tried. The kind of emotion that wouldn’t fade no matter how much time passed. It sometimes became an uncontrollable wound that scratched at her present self.

“Ashika, what’s wrong? Is there something else I don’t know about?”

Even as she shook her head saying no, that it wasn’t like that, Ashika’s tears wouldn’t stop. Drushia held her in his arms and anxiously stroked her back.

“…It rained a lot… I should have caught them…”

Ashika trembled as she chewed over memories she had repeated and repeated for over ten years. Drushia knew what that brief statement meant.

What if she had whined for her father not to go, not to leave her alone? If he hadn’t left the carriage, Ashika’s father wouldn’t have died so futilely.

Her father’s image, frozen at that moment. She had witnessed the death of her beloved family with her own eyes. Even though she already knew, the memory of confirming it directly with her own eyes wouldn’t disappear from her mind.

The pale face drained of blood and the limbs cold and stiff with rigor mortis. The lifeless body was a frightening and heartbreaking shock.

Her breathing became rapid due to the unstoppable tears. Ashika trembled as if having convulsions. Drushia’s chest area also became wet with tears and damp breath.

“You have a fever. You’ll faint again at this rate.”

Afraid that leaving her alone might lead to bigger trouble, he felt suddenly anxious. Drushia, still holding Ashika, hurriedly pulled the bell cord.

The castle, which had been sleeping, awakened to the bell ringing in the early dawn. The butler came running first, then left again to call the physician. The head maid followed, lighting the bedroom, and even Pelburn, who was on night duty, came running.

At the butler’s urging, the physician was dragged to the bedroom wearing only a robe over his nightclothes. Even the servants who had awakened from sleep came out to guard outside the door, wondering if something had happened to the lady of the house.

“Please everyone be quiet.”

The physician lowered his voice considerably to warn the butler and head maid nearby. Then he looked back at Drushia, who was sitting on the bedside holding Ashika in his arms.

“Um, Your Grace. Could you please let go of the lady…”

“Can’t you examine her like this?”

“It’s not that I can’t.”

The physician let out a deep sigh as if resigned.

“Then please let go of her hands and turn around so I can see her face.”

Drushia turned to hold Ashika as if laying her down, as the physician instructed. But he still didn’t let her go from his arms. He couldn’t let go because he was anxious.

What if her trembling breath faded away like this, what if her warm body temperature turned cold? The death of her, the death of both of them, which he had never forgotten for a moment, suddenly came to mind and his heart beat wildly.

Even while the physician examined Ashika, Drushia wiped her face wet with sweat and tears and massaged her weakened arms.

After examining her for a while, the physician tilted his head several times and then his eyes widened.

“What? Is there a problem? Is it very bad?”

His heart sank. Drushia’s arms holding Ashika tightened. Unlike the anxious Drushia, the physician’s mouth stretched wide enough to reach his ears.

“Congratulations, Your Grace.”

Drushia didn’t immediately understand what he was saying.

Congratulations? When Ashika is this sick? Has this man gone mad?

Anger flared at the thought that crossed his mind momentarily.

“The lady is with child.”

“…What?”

In his joy, the physician didn’t notice that Drushia’s face had suddenly turned fierce before stopping.

“The lady is exhausted mentally and physically, and is in an unstable state due to the baby in her womb.”

“…A baby? Ashika? A baby?”

“Yes, Your Grace. She’s pregnant. It’s a baby that has come to the ducal castle after decades.”

Drushia’s face had a blank expression as if he’d been struck. A baby in that frail body that was less than half his size. Rather than joy, fear came first.

“She’s so small, and you say a baby…”

Drushia repeated the physician’s words like a fool.

“She’s not small. Your Grace is the one who’s large. The lady is a normal-sized adult woman. Please don’t worry.”

The physician added in a gentle tone, noticing Drushia’s anxiety.

“I’ll examine her more thoroughly when day breaks, but it seems she’s been pregnant for quite some time. It appears the early stages have already passed.”

“How…”

It was completely unbelievable. Both the fact that Ashika was having a child and the physician’s words that it had been quite some time.

“How could we not have known all this time?”

“It’s rare, but if it’s a first pregnancy, sometimes people don’t know. She probably has an unusual constitution that doesn’t experience morning sickness. Instead, there would have been changes like more severe mood swings than usual.”

It had been a time that was hard to endure even for a perfectly healthy person. Though he didn’t show it, Drushia was the same. So even if there had been changes, he wouldn’t have thought that far.

“I… I should have paid more attention.”

“The lady is cautious and rarely shows her inner thoughts. Even if she dislikes it, you should have her receive regular checkups to prevent such situations.”

“Are there any other abnormalities? Could there be other problems with her body?”

“I don’t see any particular issues right now, but I’ll examine her more thoroughly during the day. I’ll prepare medicine for her to take, and rest is most important for now.”

The physician gave several instructions to the butler and withdrew from the bedroom.

Even after all the servants had left, Drushia sat holding Ashika in his arms, staring blankly for a while. Until her delicate hand moved carefully to grasp his.

“…Rushia.”

“Ah…”

“Let me lie down.”

Until then, Ashika had been leaning awkwardly against Drushia’s chest.

“Sorry, were you uncomfortable?”

Drushia released the arms that had been embracing her. Exhausted, Ashika lay back against the soft pillow as he helped her.

Even after laying Ashika down, Drushia sat close and leaned forward. He examined every corner of Ashika’s face, afraid he might miss something. A flush had risen to her previously pale cheeks, perhaps from fever, and her black eyes were still moist.

As Drushia only hesitated, Ashika caressed his hand touching her cheek and spoke first.

“I heard everything. You were criticizing me for being slow, weren’t you?”

“Ah.”

He seemed half out of his mind. Drushia, who had been staring at Ashika endlessly, suddenly came to his senses.

The body temperature touching his hand and hesitant movements. An unknown emotion gradually took shape and rose from the bottom of his chest. It was an overwhelming emotion that seemed ready to burst, filling his chest and overflowing.

Drushia took a deep breath, feeling like tears might pour out.

“A child. Our child.”

“Mm… I heard.”

Not knowing what to say, Drushia steadied his breathing several times. Simply saying he was happy wasn’t enough. The overwhelming emotion he was feeling for the first time in his life was difficult to express in words.

“Thank you. For enduring so well all this time.”

“Was I too slow?”

“It must have been difficult.”

Ashika was also confused. When her body was struggling, she often skipped her monthly cycles, so she hadn’t suspected. She thought the severe mood swings were also due to the circumstances. Having never experienced it before, she only thought her body was unusually tired.

After the first unintended mistake, she had been helped by Iben’s medicine throughout. She couldn’t seek out a general healer for fear of exposing her identity, and she was worried that asking the ducal physician might reach Weive’s ears.

But after the art shop burned down, she could no longer receive the medicine. Ashika was also too distracted to pay attention. So perhaps this was a natural result.

She felt strange. Nothing seemed to have changed, yet new life was growing inside her. The child of two people that she had so desperately wanted but couldn’t hold in that lost time had finally come.

Was it because she had experienced too much? Fear rushed in as much as joy. Past times passed through her mind one by one, making her afraid of a future that hadn’t yet arrived.

“Ashika.”

Drushia read Ashika’s confused emotions.

“I’m sorry for not telling you sooner.”

Ashika quietly raised her gaze and waited for what he was going to say.

“The reason I didn’t talk about the time we remember was because I was worried you might chew over those wounds again.”

The family’s downfall and the death of two people. It was an unbelievably miserable memory.

At first, he couldn’t believe what had happened to him, and then he thought that having a living Ashika before his eyes could cover all the pain.

The strange behavior Ashika had shown all this time finally made complete sense. He realized that Ashika also thought her own memories were hallucinations or dreams. And that she had been desperately searching for hidden truths and working to prevent tragedy so that the nightmares wouldn’t become real.

It was a wound that only the two of them remembered. But if Drushia acknowledged it, it would become the miserable past that had actually existed.

Which would be a greater wound for Ashika? Drushia had no choice but to worry.