JOS Chapter 128

Dreaming (2)

 

Xiao Xia’s dream appeared in a place she had never been to before. She was confined in a room.

 

She looked outside through the window.

 

It was daytime, and the sunlight was brilliant but not intense.

 

This seemed to be a mountainous area, though it could also have been just the backyard of some village. What met her eyes was a grassland that had not been tended for a long time, with lush greenery behind it, though she couldn’t see what lay further beyond.

 

Many people were locked in the room.

 

She recognized her parents from their younger days, but they didn’t see her. Xiao Xia didn’t know what the current situation was and could only hide far away in a corner of the room, observing her surroundings.

 

These people wore different clothing, but the only similarity was probably that they all carried the atmosphere of an old era.

 

They wore red and green cotton coats, with cotton undershirts protruding from their sleeves. Their hair was messily bundled up, their fingernails were long and black, and each had their own luggage beside them. There was even a pregnant woman among them who looked to be about six or seven months along.

 

Most of the people were sleeping.

 

She was somewhat confused for a moment.

 

What kind of scene was this? Human trafficking or what? But she had never heard her parents mention having such an experience.

 

After a while, the light and shadows outside the window changed slightly, and a man came over jingling keys to open the door, bringing them some food to distribute.

 

Each person received a piece of dry, hard baked bread and a bottle of water.

 

They silently accepted the food and sat together to eat. The man also sat down.

 

The door was left wide open like that, and no one wanted to escape.

 

The bread they received looked unappetizing.

 

Perhaps it had been stored for a long time, cheap goods from a supermarket that required great effort just to bite into.

 

Xiao Xia heard retching sounds from around her. A woman couldn’t help but weakly ask, “Could you bring me a bowl of hot soup? My stomach really feels terrible.”

 

“Eat it if you want, don’t if you don’t. Do you think I’m going to serve you like an ancestor? I eat this stuff too, don’t I?” His attitude was harsh, his face full of fatigue. “Remember, don’t make any noise. There might be police patrols later.”

 

After saying this, he closed the door and left again.

 

Xiao Xia heard the sound of the key locking, and the group of people sat numbly in the room.

 

“Can we really make it there?”

 

Xiao Xia heard her mother say with a crying voice, “We’ve been walking for three months now, and we don’t even know where we are. I’m really too tired.”

 

The man beside her, her father, said, “Just keep walking. Otherwise, can you go back? Hold on a bit longer, I think we should be there soon.”

 

“My uncle left a year ago and there’s been no news. I don’t know if he died on the road. We’ve taken boats and cars, and we have to hide from police. Are we really not going the wrong way? I don’t think he understands the language here either.”

 

The man comforted her saying, “He’s walked this route many times already. So many people who couldn’t get visas, he’s brought them all. It’s fine.”

 

Another man nearby also chimed in. “Smuggling, there’s always risk. Wouldn’t you starve to death back home too? Going abroad, you can still have a way to live. You’ve already paid the hundred thousand yuan, just keep going, big sister.”

 

“Just think, think about the hundred thousand yuan, think about your children at home. I think we should arrive soon.”

 

“Everyone stop crying. Be quiet.”

 

Xiao Xia was completely stunned.

 

Smuggling?

 

Oh, yes. Her parents were overseas Chinese who had gone abroad together before she was even born.

 

She had wondered about it then – her parents had no special talents and couldn’t even speak Mandarin fluently, only able to write simple Chinese. At that time, visas were hard to get domestically, so how could they possibly have been approved?

 

In the 1990s, a large portion of people going abroad to seek fortune were smuggled out. However, smuggling was very risky – traveling all the way from Asia to Europe, sleeping rough, living as illegal immigrants, at most being able to take transportation that didn’t require documents. If discovered, they might be deported midway, and more people died accidentally on the journey.

 

So some people made money by helping others “guide them abroad.”

 

After dark, the previous man came to open the door again and let them out.

 

“Bring your things, let’s go.”

 

They shouldered their luggage, supported each other, and began their journey under cover of darkness.

 

Even at night, they didn’t dare use bright lights. On difficult roads, they could only be careful themselves. If someone fell or got hurt, it depended on their own luck. The large group could hardly slow down to wait for one person.

 

They continued this pattern of resting during the day and traveling at night, walking and walking continuously. Sometimes they took boats, sometimes they rode in vehicles, sometimes they helped people work. Everything depended on the arrangements of their leader, Brother Hu.

 

They eventually encountered other smuggling groups like themselves. They also met criminals who had reached desperate straits and came out to rob. They encountered police patrols even more often.

 

They would run frantically, pushing beyond human limits, fleeing on dangerous and treacherous roads.

 

Xiao Xia felt like a very long time had passed, so long that she herself was about to collapse.

 

Such days were probably more painful than being in prison, something she could never have imagined in her lifetime.

 

Every day was shrouded in the fear of possible death. This was truly no exaggeration, because the group leader would constantly instill in them information about dangers and the tragic consequences of failure.

 

She was just following along, her spirit always vigorous. She didn’t eat with them or trek long distances like they did.

 

But these days were still unbearable.

 

The pregnant woman from before gave birth during one of their journeys. Right there on the dirty roadside, in the middle of the night, she delivered directly. After giving birth, she held the child and continued the journey to the next place where they could rest.

 

They constantly carried injuries of various sizes on their bodies.

 

Finally, after another three or four months, the group reached their previously agreed destination to find their contact.

 

The so-called contact was a Chinese person who had already opened a legitimate shop abroad and obtained legal status. They were among the first group of people to go abroad.

 

They would receive these smuggled people into their shops to work, providing room and board and paying low wages. After living locally for two years, they would then help them apply for legal status.

 

Xiao Xia breathed a sigh of relief.

 

She thought this was the end, but it wasn’t.

 

Working for others, living under someone else’s roof was equally painful for her to watch. She watched her parents suppress their tempers, working like oxen and horses for others, scrimping and saving, living no better than they had back home.

 

From initial shock to anger, and finally to an indescribable feeling.

 

After another two years, they made a major decision.

 

The two of them called home everywhere, borrowed money from relatives, and relied on their own savings from work to find people to wholesale goods from.

 

They hauled goods, purchased inventory, and set up stalls. Rising early and working late, they started their own business.

 

Generally, they didn’t eat while working, so they only ate two meals, morning and evening, going hungry at midday.

 

Initially, the two couldn’t understand the local language and relied on gestures and guesswork. Later, they finally learned to speak a foreign language with a dialect accent and could communicate smoothly with foreigners. Finally, they had their own shop.

 

Xiao Xia thought life would finally improve this time, that things were looking up, but it was another major blow.

 

In the 1990s, the country they were in suddenly experienced a major crackdown. Her parents and a large group of Chinese people doing business there were arrested, and part of their property was confiscated. Those who paid bail could get out; those who didn’t had to serve three years in prison.

 

The two of them endured and served three years in prison.

 

After they and a group of fellow prisoners were released, the timid ones went directly back to China, while the bold ones made a comeback and continued opening shops, doing honest business.

 

Her parents chose to stay.

 

Not long after, her mother became pregnant.

 

The two of them cried and laughed while holding the test results.

 

They realistically analyzed their current situation, unable to balance emotion and reason, hesitating between abortion and keeping the baby.

 

Finally, her father gritted his teeth and said, “Let’s have it. After it’s born, we’ll send it to my mother to raise. I’ll earn the money.”

 

“I absolutely don’t want my child to be like me in the future. I want to give her a better life.”

 

“I hope she can be a bit more obedient, a bit more understanding. Mother really loves you.”

 

After Xiao Xia was born, her mother cried as she handed Xiao Xia over to her grandmother.

 

“Wouldn’t it be better to keep her with you?”

 

“China is good. Home is still better. It’s comfortable at home, at least you don’t feel out of place.”

 

She didn’t even observe the postpartum confinement period and went abroad again to help.

 

At that time, the internet wasn’t as developed as it is now, and international phone calls were expensive. Neither side had computers. She watched her mother always call home with an excited heart, listening to the child babbling, and laughing for a long time.

 

She would only call for a few minutes each day, and after hanging up, she would secretly wipe away tears facing the wall.

 

The two of them were strangers in a foreign land. In their most difficult days, seeing a fellow countryman could really bring them to tears – their days were lonely to this extent.

 

They could never integrate into life here, and moreover, as Asian people, they had to endure discrimination from some people.

 

Whenever Xiao Xia saw these scenes, her heart felt sour.

 

She had always felt that her parents didn’t love her. They never cared about her. Had they really had such days?

 

Then why did they change later? Could parental love depreciate over time? Their lives were difficult, but what had she done wrong?

 

Thinking this way, the scenes that followed made her face flush with shame.

 

After a few years, Xiao Xia back home began to grow up.

 

She had been very rebellious since childhood, considering herself clever. Under the instigation and comparison of her peers, she felt estranged from her parents and even held hostility toward them.

 

She used to dislike answering her parents’ calls, but after she started elementary school and developed a concept of money, she changed.

 

Every time she answered the phone, she had only one demand.

 

“I want to buy…”

 

“Everyone else has…”

 

“I want that…”

 

“You’re not really my parents. Have you ever fulfilled parental duties? Why should I call you mom and dad?”

 

“Will you buy it for me or not? And a computer too – I want a laptop!”

 

“What does it matter to you whether my grades are good or not?”

 

As an observer, Xiao Xia’s feelings were complex.

 

Had she really been such an idiotic person before?

 

She used to think her parents were unfit, so her demands were justified. Her deficiencies couldn’t be compensated with money. No matter how they tried to make up for it, she would never love them.

 

For twenty years, she had never felt she was wrong.

 

But after witnessing firsthand the hardships of their entrepreneurship, and then seeing her past “self” treat them like an ATM, she couldn’t help but want to go back and slap herself to death.

 

From self-centered to selfish, from selfish to extreme.

 

She had the right to blame her parents for their failures, but what right did she have to despise their efforts?

 

She recalled all her past behavior and realized that her parents’ coldness was half due to her own harshness.

 

Whose heart could withstand being riddled with holes without forming scabs?

 

Xiao Xia was already reflecting when time jumped to her middle school years.

 

Her parents had a car accident while driving to pick up goods and nearly crashed into their spines, almost becoming paralyzed.

 

Her grandmother asked her to call and offer condolences.

 

Yes, Xiao Xia remembered. After that, her memory wasn’t very clear.

 

Xiao Xia heard her past “self” ask impatiently, “Are you feeling better?”

 

Her mother was dizzy at the time, being helped by a nurse to sit halfway up in bed. Her forehead was covered with cold sweat, but she said with relief, “It’s nothing, nothing. Just watching TV. These two days I’m just resting, very relaxed. You study hard, okay.”

 

Xiao Xia: “I see. Send me ten thousand yuan. I want to buy a flute. Our school has a choir…”

 

Her mother froze on the other end and hung up directly, not letting her voice leak out.

 

Xiao Xia watched her mother hold the nurse and cry uncontrollably, shouting about retribution, while she herself felt as if she had fallen into an ice cellar.

 

She had always thought she was very smart, very hardworking, wanting to prove their mistakes, considering them old-fashioned and outdated, upstarts who had prospered by riding the spring breeze of reform, and she despised them.

 

They had no education and indeed made their fortune through gray areas, but they lived hard and worked arduously.

 

They had experienced the cruelty of reality and countless failures.

 

Perhaps in their eyes, she was just a joke.

 

Really a joke.

 

She was…

 

After that, time after time, time after time… until she ran away from home… she didn’t listen to advice, even became violent… their family finally became like this…

 

Xiao Xia covered her mouth.

 

If given another chance, she could change. Really.