ERTHMB Chapter 172

An Eternal Delusion

The voyage had been long.

Though Eugene was on the same ship, he thought Helena’s voyage must have felt even longer.

Helena barely slept, only waiting for the day they would arrive in Rihalt. The only times she managed brief naps were when Walter, who accompanied them, forcibly pushed her into her cabin.

Eugene couldn’t understand whether this stemmed from anticipation or some kind of worry.

Still, it seemed her tension had eased once they reached land. Eugene approached Helena, who was slumped over a table placed near the fireplace.

Despite him opening the door quite loudly, she remained deep in sleep.

Beside a lamp whose wick was nearly spent, he saw a glass and a whiskey bottle. Eugene shook the bottle to gauge how much remained and let out a sigh.

No wonder she couldn’t come to her senses despite her normally light sleep—she had downed half a bottle of something that didn’t even agree with her.

Swallowing his sigh, Eugene supported Helena and lifted her up. Her swaying breath immediately dampened his neck.

She naturally smelled of whiskey. For a moment, it felt too unfamiliar to Eugene. Helena and whiskey?

Feeling an odd discomfort, Eugene carried Helena to the bed and carefully laid her down. Her long eyelashes fluttered, but her blue eyes never appeared from beneath her closed lids.

Eugene stood quietly, watching her sleep. As he decided to leave, he brushed away the hair that fell across her cheek.

It was a wish that her night might be even a little peaceful.

Then Helena stirred.

She mumbled and smiled bashfully, as if trying to press her cheek against his hand.

“Good.”

“…Yeah.”

“Mmm.”

Helena murmured in her sleep with her eyes closed.

Eugene stroked her cheek even more gently. Even in her sleep, Helena’s smile deepened. When he finally withdrew his hand and stepped back, she panted, lost in whatever dream she was having.

“Don’t go. Stay beside me.”

As soon as the warmth of contact was withdrawn, Helena frowned.

“I need you. Stay here, please…”

Her slender fingers clawed at empty air. Eugene held her hand and quietly soothed her.

“I’m here, Helen.”

But the one she was calling for wasn’t him.

Helena panted again.

“Come to me, Ian.”

Ah. But that’s not my name.

Eugene laughed bitterly. The time Helena must have spent alone with that man began to play out vividly before his eyes.

Had they held hands like this?

Had she called him with such a melting smile, with such a sweet voice?

Even in bed?

“Mmm…”

Perhaps he had unconsciously tightened his grip, as Helena frowned.

Instead of releasing her hand, Eugene brought it to her neck. He grasped it as if handling feathers and felt the pulse beating within his palm.

“It’s okay, Helena.”

Call that bastard’s name a hundred or a thousand times. It’s still okay. Because the one beside you now isn’t him—it’s me.

Leaving a chaste kiss on her forehead, Eugene turned away.

However, his steps toward leaving stopped again at the table. Among the documents and maps scattered messily, there was something that caught his eye. It was a rolled paper that Helena seemed to have particularly treasured since before they set sail.

From the bed came the sound of breathing that had settled back into a regular rhythm. Eugene glanced at Helena and pulled the string holding the paper together.

“…!”

The moment Eugene saw the figure in the portrait, he couldn’t distinguish whether he was surprised or shocked. Then he realized.

Ridiculously, the first thing he felt was fear. It was a fear that seemed to bypass his neural circuits and drive straight into his heart.

Helena was leaving.

‘This journey was meant to abandon me from the start.’

And he had followed along wagging his tail, oblivious. The line had been clear from the beginning, and he was nothing more than a dog frolicking in front of it, begging for scraps of attention.

Even if he was merely a substitute, he had believed he occupied at least a speck, a fragment of her.

It had all been a delusion. Helena still hadn’t let him go.

‘Is that bastard in Rihalt? But how would she know where he is on this vast continent?’

Eugene barely regained his senses and returned the portrait to its original state. Only then did the inscription on the back of the portrait catch his eye. It froze his blood once more.

Ian Kamel Aksen de Fevernheim.

The man Helena loved was the Emperor of Rihalt.

She truly intended to leave Instantia, to leave his side. Forever.

****

Though the next day dawned, Eugene didn’t seek out Helena. He simply left bouquets at her door as usual, or proposed ordinary walks or meals.

He only pretended not to know anything, pretended to help with her affairs, hovering around her periphery. Like a snake afraid that if it rashly stuck out its tongue, the sparrow it had been playing with would fly away.

Meanwhile, Helena drew closer and closer to the capital. They were now in the outskirts, only about three days from the imperial palace.

One morning when the air had grown decidedly colder, Eugene came with an announcement for the Imperial Knights’ examination instead of a bouquet and showed it to Helena.

Helena’s gaze fixed on Ian’s name written at the bottom. Eugene didn’t miss the trembling moment when she opened her mouth.

“Did you bring this because the Emperor and Ian share the same name? Surely, that can’t be, Eugene.”

“I already saw the portrait, Helena.”

“—!”

“How long did you think you could deceive me?”

Eugene now saw her swallow dryly. However, contrary to what she expected, Eugene spoke in a voice that seemed somewhat defeated rather than angry.

“I thought you had forgiven me. That it wasn’t hypocrisy, that even affection thrown like charity would be sincere. I tried to believe it.”

Then Helena let out an urgent sound instead.

“I had no choice if I wanted to tether your shattered self to life. You were too precarious, and I knew that if I left someone in that state alone, they would die!”

Her cry had bone in it. Eugene pathetically felt like crying a little.

Yes, that must have been it. Because that man was the one who stayed by your side when you gave up everything and threw yourself into the sea. Because you learned it from him.

But even so, Helena.

“Compared to the time we spent together, it’s barely a hand’s width of connection. He’s the one who abandoned and left you. Do you think someone who left on their own feet will readily meet you just because you came looking?”

“…”

“It’s time to forget him, Helena.”

It had been a year since he left. Perhaps knowing this, Helena couldn’t easily open her mouth as if she’d swallowed wax.

Eugene took advantage and stepped closer.

“This will be the last time. Look, no one will die as you said, and there will be no more regressions. So much has already changed. So… Helena. Just once more, one last time.”

Eugene gently held her hand and confessed as if pleading.

“Just come back to me once more. This time, no matter what happens, I’ll definitely make you happy. I promise.”

Helena’s wide-open eyes trembled finely. Eugene’s patience was truly running out, but he gritted his teeth and waited until she spoke.

“I’m sorry. Even if I don’t die, that person might. I’ll risk everything I have to protect him. I want to be happy with him.”

And he had endured without knowing he would hear words like these.

“And Eugene. You know now too. How many times I repeated that ‘once.’ Some times… hurt so much just by existing that I don’t want to look back. So the past must remain only as the past. My present is with Ian.”

“Helena.”

“I don’t care if he rejects me again. But I’ll see and hear even that rejection with my own eyes and ears. So this has nothing to do with forgiving you. Honestly, we… we’ve done enough. If you truly care for me, respect my choice.”

Eugene reflexively shook his head in denial. After repeating only that gesture silently, he barely moved his throat.

“Why must we be like this, Helena? If it’s all my fault, you can just live blaming me. I’ll atone for the past as much as you want. It was hard, but we lived well together. Can’t we just keep living like that together?”

Eugene was practically begging.

But Helena smiled bitterly. The quiet smile hurt strangely.

“This is why we can’t be together. You say I lived.”

From her eyes looking at him, Eugene felt déjà vu. He felt like he already knew what she was going to say.

And he really did.

“But I died thousands of times by your side.”

Helena returned to him the exact words she had said to Christine.

It was the greatest curse and despair for him.

“A stain that won’t be erased… can’t disappear until it’s cut away. Just as you did.”

That his existence was no different from Aslan to her.

That he had ultimately come to resemble the being he had so loved and hated.

The curse received from one’s most beloved is a nightmarish pain, and Eugene momentarily behaved like someone who had forgotten how to breathe.

How many times did he pass through the ordeal of wanting to pull out and vomit everything inside? Eugene barely managed to hold Helena’s shoulders and meet her eyes.

“Helena. With just one word from you, I’ll gladly become a barking dog. If you tell me to bark, I’ll bark; if you tell me to bite, I’ll bite. I’ll put the leash in your hands as much as you want.”

“…”

“So, just don’t let go.”

Helena didn’t answer, but Eugene tightened his grip on the hands holding her shoulders.

“Please. Please don’t let that day come.”

If you let go, we’ll both need great resolve.

****

In the dark room at dawn, there were two people.

Just five minutes ago, the room had been full of more than a dozen people, but now there were only two.

Beelzebuth spun a dagger with a blunt tip, pacing around the room. It was death’s scythe that had eliminated the rest of the people in just five minutes.

When that very blade grazed the last remaining man’s cheek, the man let out a suppressed sob.

“What are you crying about when you’ve done so well?”

Beelzebuth laughed, tickling his chin with the tip of the red blade.